All the Apple Geeks in the office are squirming with excitement today to see what spectacular features the new iPad is going to bring. Hours of speculation have resulted in the following list of potential new features:

• So thin it fits in pocket of skinny jeans

• Includes AppleFanBoy Locator push notifications

• Doubles as TV dinner tray

• Rounded edges lend it to Ultimate Frisbee

• Finally allows you to play Flash- the song

• Syncs all your Apple products to allow them to smirk at other electronics together

• Front-facing camera and higher resolution ensures that every emo user can make sure their Beiber bangs are bangin’ at any moment

• Star Trek-style teleport function will allow Denver scenesters to appear at selected locations including Sputnik, Jelly, City ‘o City or Steuben’s

• Available in white*

• Also- plays music!

*in Spring 2030